I will fall from this high

and the ground will paint me blue

~ about a 4 minute read

prologue

read while listening to Purple Land by Amen Dunes xx

all pics by me of beaut Melbourne

I wake up to sun sliding under the door and peeking around the blinds. it is 8.37am. yes. I have time before we pick up our son from my mothers. I go to the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. stained swollen lips wear last night’s lipstick. my skin glows with last night’s pink blush. my hair is knotty from the spray I used to crunch it. I feel drunk and happy, my eyes resting half closed.

my body feels light and buoyant, like it could float away. I am alive with possibility. with love so deep rooted for myself and my husband and my perfect lovely son. the love is what takes my feet off the ground. there is always music in this house. there is always laughter. there is always writing and filming and creating. we dip into deep canyons of self-doubt and self-hate and who do we think we are?? and what are we doing?? but we are circles spiralling and we move through the currents.

last night we got the tram into the city. we got off at the shrine of remembrance and walked through the lush green city park. the trees got me high. I winked at the boys rolling ciggies on the park bench. I dared to be seen. a band was setting up for a free performance in a curved outdoor structure with a water feature that reflected and sailed across the ceiling. I looked at the landscape of the grass greens and bark trees and young boys with their guitars and the tall skyscrapers. In the moment I am in a loving embrace with life. there is nothing I want or need or crave. I am whole. I am full. I am great. I am god; I am abundance that could never be matched.

we bar hopped from red light holes in the wall to tikki bars with stairs that take you underground to rooftops amongst the tall buildings surrounded by hot palms. we moved and walked and watched. we let our bodies make the moves. no fear, no considerations, no do I belong here? I belong everywhere, I thought. this is my film. my art show, and I can slip through every crack. the city has infinite doorways.

I had to realise the God in me first. And the creator of this universe is not known to be timid or shy, or simply hiding away - wasting up this precious thing called life. Eunie Light

we found a Japanese restaurant and sat upstairs. I ordered gyoza and chicken and edamame and noodles. we spent money we shouldn’t have but Josh told me he was feeling lucky and 777 had visited him numerous times today. my life is entwined with Josh and sometimes my need for security outweighs his reach for freedom and sometimes my sensible resolve breaks under his total trust and I run with him, free and timeless, through the boundless streets. what is love but power, and then surrender.

we caught the tram home and walked through the pitch black night where stars winked and house lights gave us a sneak peak of the comings and goings of a household. we got home to the house where we had our son, where our son was first created, where we have found ourselves, over and over, and begun to rise. we drank water and got into bed and moved our bare feet around and around and around the soft sheets, massaging them from all the walking. these are the good ole days our friend once said, and he was right.

in this moment I am full with life’s adventures, both gone and to come. I want but nothing. I need but nothing. I am ripe for the picking and browning at the edges. I am glowing and fresh and of tender bone and muscle. I believe in me. I believe in us. I believe in the world. I believe in you and you and you. I believe you can find your god in the shape of you. grief walks beside my joy. I weep often for the horrors and breakings and falling out of ourselves. I will fall from this high and the ground will paint me blue with bruises. I will lay unmoving and flat trying to remember what got me up there, to those heights, and how do I get back? I will surrender and remember what goes up must come down and the stillness down here has just as much to teach me for when I feel lost, searching for the oxygen that blew me into the heavens, and I keep going, tripping in the darkness, that’s when life is reminded, ok. you do have what it takes. you keep going. you will float once again.

I seek to regain my wings. Eunie Light

Josh tells me this morning he made some extra money from an investment. someone subscribes and pays me $80. he tells me I love you.

Josh wasn’t wrong; luck is in the air.

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dedicated to

Eunié light

and

Tawnya Layne

who have moved and loved me with their words and courage, and are dedicated to the plight of love.

I love you xoxo

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