I Listen With My Good Girl Manners
there is a part 1 and a part 2
~ about a 4 minute read
I.
I read an article here recently by the great
and it really helped me understand some things about some things that the bountiful had said and that helped me process some wise and nurturing things that had said.I sit in a circle filled with wonderful, imperfect women. I have not touched nor seen these women sisters in real life, but we are indeed, in life together. I feel held. this is what happens when you insert boundaries that allow you to determine what breaks through and lands on your back to carry.
I see (but really see) that I am an extra vigilant child of the earth.
I go to a restaurant and pick up on everyone else’s energy. I see the woman shift in discomfort and the man breathe out in frustration. I see the snappy waiter, and that man not quite right at the traffic lights. I see the couple fighting under their breath.
did you see that? I ask Josh
see what? he answers.
I know what is going on around me at all times.
so I realise after reading my teachers here and listening to my body and mind processing things in quiet reflection, I realise that for a long time now, my body and mind have been running perpetually in a state of flight or fight. this isn’t uncommon or a ‘me’ thing. this is pretty standard living. I thought this was a sign of great maturity and attention but I realise it’s just my survival instincts turned up. all. the. time.
I read that a woman’s body is a portal to heaven. that women, when safe and secure and settled, can nurture freely and bless the world with their deep feminine magic. we don’t need more phallic rigid cold energy. lets get warm and wet and hot out here.
I realise that for life to flow through me, which is what we are here for; instruments of body so that the winds of life can run through us and take us where it needs to, I need to be in an organic relaxed state, as much as possible.
my organic state has been affected, like most of our natural states, just by living in a society bent on destroying itself. I was also unsafe at a vulnerable age and was too young to process such themes so my organic state has gotten used to a higher level of vigilance than required in my current state of living.
so I realise the only way I can rectify this is by surrendering to the unknowable; the uncontrollable, the unanswerable, the unknown future. I must surrender to life so she can flow unencumbered and not get blocked by my no energies. I can ask for what I need, for what I want, and allow her to come through me instead of my defences keeping her; life, at the door.
II.
I keep my son at home with me and everyone everywhere I go asks me if he is in daycare and I listen with good girl manners as they tell me my son is better off with strangers in the most pivotal years of his life than his mother.
but I hold everyone’s justifications because what do I know and everyone is just trying to get along out here in a world that has forgotten it’s made up of human beings with pink gums and soft lips, not straight lines and grey metal. a world that cuts us off from our soft gentle sides and parades our hard sides like show dogs so we continually run into battles and wars searching for truth- for power- for control- for the other side- for a way out.
I read a book about a boy who has never been held or rocked in his father’s arms (his mother is gone). I feel it like a chill to the bone. if a child doesn’t eat all day, they will be hungry through the night. if a child isn’t nurtured throughout, they will be hungry forever.
I hold my baby boy at home with me and I teach him imperfection when I yell and cry. I teach him you are alone but not on your own.
I want my gift to this world to come in the form of safe, grounded energy and if that comes out in the man I raise, hallelujah because this world needs more safe grounded men.
I am just a mother, we say, as if raising a human being that will affect hundreds, maybe even thousands of other people, isn’t everything; a ripple going outwards, affecting everything it touches. I think as a mother, I am responsible for the vibration of that ripple, as much as I can be, in the abilities I possess and the forgiveness I allocate myself.
I see my responsibility does not lie with the lie of raising a worker; a doer; a someone, and instead lies with raising a human, a man, a live organism who can grow and feel and think outside of the boxes they keep putting us in, both figuratively and literally.
luckily for me, becoming a mother was my radioactive spider bite; I became a superhero overnight.
all my love xox
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What a magnificent piece. A present, relaxed mother, a present relaxed baby. You are transmuting deeply rooted programming. 🐚
Oh, that line, "I listened with my good girl manners," just slayed me. It's lodged inside of me, twisting.