let chaos ensue!!

a stream of consciousness

~ about a 3 minute read

image

I sit on a park bench, in the cold, under the thick grey white clouds, as the buses and trams rail behind me. my ears hurt from the cold wind but my body is warm. I am reading Gertrude Stein and I don’t know; I find that Hemingway style boring, repetitive, and lazy. forgive me; I like what I like. it came highly recommended by the masses so I persist. but the Marvel films come highly recommended by the masses and Hook is dismally rated, so you know. each to their own.

I think about the 6 year old girls I read about this morning on TikTok doing make-up tutorials for their child fans and talking about anti-aging eye cream.

I think about the 5 year old boy who spoke to me for 20 minutes at the park about all his ‘credit cards’ and the three cars he’d bought with said credit cards, and his iPhone. how do you get anything done? he exclaimed, when he asked me if my son was in daycare and I replied he wasn’t.

I think about the ball class I took my son to where all the other mothers stood dressed in black and the young teachers with full faces of make-up tried to herd the children like sheep instead of just following their lead. let chaos ensue! I wanted to scream. when the twigs of society snap under the weight of bureaucracy we will wish we had trained our kids to flow - not fit into shapes that don’t bend.

to be rigid is to die - hello - rigor mortis.

I think about how they are stealing colour from us and how the mad woman is always portrayed wearing bright colours that don’t match while your sensible and respected are always in white, black, and navy. conformed; like our houses and cars and winter jackets.

don’t be afraid of colour

I think about how this ‘rational’ world we live in gets everyone to start and finish work at the same time, with the same days and holidays off and how that feels like one of the most irrational things ever breathed into existence. why wouldn’t we cycle and flow times? avoid gridlock? ¹squaring circles might just be the worst crime against humanity.

I think of the child brides of 9 and 10 I read about this morning in America. only 10 states have made it illegal to marry a child. 10. I think of my friends daughters of 8, 9, and 10, and all my nieces and I think how easy it would be for me to kill a man. I don’t doubt this for a second. it is not right but I’m still ok with it. the river of hades screams deep within me.

smudges on my sunglasses dance as I look around, and an old dog wobbles on old legs after his old wobbled-legged master.

I look to the trees to hold on. it is very windy and while their tops tremble like whispers their trunks are unmoving. I am jealous of their sturdiness. I hope to be a tree one day. I hope to feel the all mighty wood of my trunk resist the all mighty wind of the sky, while the birds ride the wind and the girl’s hair blows in the wind and the lake’s surface ripples in the wind and the man’s coat tails dance in the wind. the unmoving tree trunks seem like fakes; they are a painting of themselves, not affected and therefore, not of this world

I wonder quietly to myself when old became an offence? like when was it something that occurred, as natural as waking up, a blessing, and when did it transition into something unnatural?

image

then and there I decide not to continue Gertrude Stein. I’ve given it 30% and life is too short to pick up a book out of duty, not love. the decision is an easy one once I let myself be me and not a version of myself that reads Gertrude Stein.

the trees are so stable, so grand, so pious! those unmoving trunks! what is so alluring about the unmoving trunks? but I cannot figure it out. I cannot write it out. I can only sit here and watch the stationary wood and feel peace for something strong and determined; something that refuses to bend to the environment around it, no matter what.

all my love xoxo

p.s you can book your own personal tarot read @ tarotwithhannah111@gmail.com

1. Tom Robbins - Even Cowgirls Get the Blues